A roadmap 4 a tgirl lost in gay hell

by Ita Segev

You will know before you’re ready to admit it.
Before that something in your bones will dare articulating.
Before you buy a purse & wear a non ironic skirt & take a weapon to the streets with you.
When the silent war is in your bedroom.
When his gaze will start to feel like the opposite of home.
Or like the parts of home you fled from.
When you find yourself apologizing for existing.
Or when you don’t, and he gets embarrassed -
In that way that white gay Americans get embarrassesd by transfemininity
(like unwanted weeds growing between the cracks of their parents suburban driveway,
like the parts of themselves they had to leave in closets to equally become white men).
In one of those cases you will crack,
you will grow,
you will know,
that he is not worth it.
That no ‘he’ is worth it, in fact.
‘it’ being your roadmap towards yourself.
And at first you might feel rage for all the hes who tried to destroy this precious roadmap.
For all the shes that taught you that rage belongs to men.
That making space for the rage of men is the roadmap.
There will be so many toxic lessons that need to be undone.
And it will be hard to learn while running.
To take some good memories while breaking free from the bad.
Because if you think that gay divorce is complicated, try simultaniusly divorcing gayness (when perhapas the only place lonelier for a girl than a gay bar is the world of trans fearful & fetshizing men).
But this has never been about men, oh no.
This has always been about the parts of you that can’t be touched by them.
That make you not be part of them.
This has always been about the one relationship that might get so lonely, but will always be worth fighting for -
This has always been about you.
About the undeniable quality of light that is you.
That you get to claim,
and reclaim,
and will accompany you,
for the rest of your life.